forgotten

I have sunk into a new low, I'm sinking and I just dont think I can get out, I have had hope stripped from me, I have had hope taken from me....I now wonder do I care...does anyone care?
I think I am all alone...I am all alone, I want to be all alone....I need to get away, I hate what I have become, I am disgusted, I am disgusted, I am disgusted....I want to be forgotten

Blow Out

And just when I thought that I was going soooo well... and I had a bit of a blow out....was a very very stressful night at work (knifes pulled, a car accident,assult) and I had a mini shut down and reverted back into my old ways of using food to comfort me....so heres the list I ate
*a kinder surprise chocolate (it was a lil one)
*2 pieces of white bread
*2 snack size packs of chips
*and those jelly type lollies
and I did not do any extra exercise
Yes...this is not a good list, but oh...if it has taught me something and by putting this out here I sure as hell hope it teaches you guys a lesson (isn't it fun to learn from others mistakes)
I woke up this morning feeling like crap (and I am 100% sure this is because of the food choices that I made) I felt tired, I had no energy, my stomach felt sick, I even had a bit of a head ache.
I think this was a good moment for me, I dont want to feel like this...I dont want to feel the regret for eating like this the next day...then it got me thinking...I feel so crap now, yet I put my body through heaps more than what I did last night...how the fuck did I function back then....so from this very moment...not tomorrow or Monday or sometime in the future, I pick right back up from before this blow out...and I get straight back on it...I can do.
SO...people learn from my lesson...bad foods make you feel bad...good foods make you feel good...very simple mantra...stick to good stuff and we are all gonna benifit from it....I mean next time you feel like your missing out by not having that chocolate or something...think of me (feeling like crap) and how much more you are worth.


PS...they did find my boys car...the good news, theres still a full tank of petrol...and everything is still in it....they did steal the arial though...hmmmmm....seems like a pretty pointless thing to steal huh :P

Bloody busy

Busy busy busy...I feel so slack, theres just so many things that I have wanted to do (including visiting everyones blog) and work has just sucked all my time away. Ok...so where am I at...I think i've been focused....its been so busy that I cant even remember that...I feel like my eating has been good, I've tried really hard to focus on it, packing all my meals for work and really trying to be good with my snacks (healthy, healthy, healthy) I've been keeping the exercise up, even if its only a small amount....its just so hard to fit it all in when work takes up soooo much time.
But the next 3 weeks aren't as busy so i'm gonna try and focus on more exercise.
There is something that is dis-heartening...its those bloody scales, they are pissing me off...I just have no idea what my real weight is...I step on it once and it says on thing then I re-step on it like 30secs later and theres a different weight...what the hell is that....I guess for myself, I do need to see results...I dont care if its small I just need to see something...I've been watching the biggest loser...OK...I'm so not gonna exercise like 24hrs a day for 8 weeks, but hey, if they can lose like 10kgs in a week, I've gotta be able to lose like half of that in 8 weeks...I mean its very possible...and in 3 months, I really want to see resluts...I guess its like something I wish for every year, come the end of May it'll be my B'day and every b'day I think I want to look good, last year for the first time I was 15kgs lost and felt ok...but this year I want to feel fantastic, I dont want to feel insecure about anything...I dont want to have to suck the tummy in, worry if theres a roll of fat visable...if my ass looks big in it. SO...i'm gonna stay focused, I'm gonna work hard and I'm gonna get there....And i'm taking all of you with me....cos I cant do it without you guys.

PS....It wasn't my car that was stollen it was my boys....I actually wish it was mine rather than his cos now he has my car half the time and its soooo much effort....but there may be some good news...cops think they have found it in Collingwood,so fingers crossed its still ok!

magic and mayhem

So, its been a interesting few day, went for my walk in the park and went for a hour long walk along the beach on Saturday, but now my body is so sore (my ribs) eh, go figure, I dont know how a walk can do that but thats the way it went...Still trying to be very focused with exercise, was going to try and do a slow walk today...but it just hurts to much.
So back to Saturday...went to see the boys band, was a ok show, not the best I've seen (sound guy was crappy) anyways, I see a familiar face in the room...the old singer of the band Dave, so excited to see him, last time I saw him was my 21st B'day and i'm hitting 23 not so far away...so its been a while....I stop him and say 'hi', he has the weirest look on his face like I know you..but who the hell are you....then theres like a click...'Laura!' then theres no feet on the ground his picked me way up high in the biggest hug...'fuck....you look amazing, radiant'....the poor boy didn't stop for a while...i'm so embarassed, then I realise, Dave hasn't seen me since before I lost the weight...I dunno if i'd call it a confidence boost but it was nice to realise again that I have lost weight and that I can and will loose more to be a happy healthy me...Well, Dave was by my side all night and I swear I just had the best time, after the bands we went to some bar playing bad 80's music and we just danced and danced and danced, while the others all sat at a lounge...it was magic, it was like Dave reminded me what it was like to have fun....I havent had fun like this in ages, I swear it was like magic! Oh, but with Laura...magic is followed by mayhem...about 5am I am buzzing, dont wanna say my good-byes if I could i'd still be partying....ok so we'll get a coffee (yay) so i'm in the car gave my boy a call to see where we are all heading to...and I get...My cars gone...the car is stollen.....yep...gone.
SO....after my little bit of magic it all ended up in disaster...hmmmm, is the world trying to tease me...we'll give you a lil...then rip the lot plus more from under your feet....crap.
But I guess we just keep trying...long week of work coming up...must focus on not eating too much crap...who knows when I'll see Dave again...would love to see his new reation if I can get it the rest of the weight off :P

Medical nightmare

Ok, so I finally saw the Doctor...the good and surprising results are that there is no cancer (thank god) I was so scared, I got put at high risk of cervical and all the other cancers in that area and with my family history I didn't think i would have much luck...but hey ...I beat the odds.But...(theres always a but huh) The cysts that I have are still there and very evident, the doctor was slightly concerned that with the amount of weight that I have lost and the meds that I have been on....she felt there should have been some change...so they are changing it up...new meds with some attatched hormone or something or other, and a re-test again in 3 months after the new meds....then theres the question of this never ending cold....how many weeks are we up to??? 7...8, I dunno, but new concerns that after the antibiotics I was on...cold should have gone too, so it appears my lungs aren't doing something that they should be so now I have a puffer thingy to open them up, and if the cough is there by Friday (this only gives me a few days with this puffer thing) then its off to have my chest x-rayed....(ha...maybe the cancer is hiding there...i'm such a optimist, cant you tell......then just to top it all off, I seem to have some sort of allergic reation to something and my body has some weird rash on it....I'm just a medical nightmare.
So with all this unhealthiness...I know I need to make my body as physically healthy as I can. Now dont laugh, on the weekend (Saturday) a friend and I went for a walk @ Brimbank Park...for people who dont know this park, there are alot of hills...we just walked it about a hour, well...today (wed) is the first day that my arse has stopped hurting, that walked has made my body hurt (especailly my ass) for the last few day....this has not happened in a lil while, I mean I have hit the gym, rode the bike, squats, crunches, and it hurt....but not like this....I felt like I had a pole up my behind....but tonight I plan to do it all again...I really need to re-focus (I know I have said this before) but with all these medical scares...I need to get happy and healthy with me. I really need to push, I really need to re-program me, Laura is a happy healthy person, who choses good and healty foods and a healthy lifestyle....this needs to be my lifestyle, not a fad, not a 6 week thing, this needs to become my life...I know this is going to be a long process, but I just have to do it. I have been also reading a book called the Low GI diet (or something like that) I know that Low GI living is what my body needs...I think that book can be a really good tool...I really am going to get ontop of it....just watch me go. HAPPY HAPPY HEALTHY LAURA....this is my challenge this is my commitment...no going back, one day at a time.

Oh...and thank-you for all the comments about MW, I have a great feeling that I will be seeing him this Saturday (T has another gig) so yeh....I will do as I have done for so many years....ignore and act as if he doesn't exisit...but...beware, if he comes up, says anything....he wont have a jaw to say anything to me again!!!
And why not, if any of you guys out there are into heavier music...not so much the boys band....that just, fun pumping crazy ass rock I guess...come along this Saturday, at the Spanish Club, its off Brunswick St in Fitzroy...headline band is .Hinge. (very good band in my opinion) boys band is just on before em...about 10.30pm I think and theres bands before that.
I probably wont be gutsy enough if any of you guys turn up and I recognise you to come and say hello...(you may work out its me if you see some chicky breaking a guys jaw) but yeh...come and have a good time if you have nothing better to do.....oh and also thanks for all the support during this time....you guys are just beautiful.

A story of hate

Ok, now I know most people probably think hate is a strong word, I too believe this...hate is disgusting and horrible, and yet something I have towards two people.
If you haven't worked it out by now, I'm a pretty messed up person....well, not so much now, its more a internal struggle with myself, I guess I project alot of self hatred towards myself...but this story of hate is not about me or even how much I hate myslef, this is so much deeper so much stronger....my hate for who we will call MW on here.
So yes, for the past 6 years I have lived in hate of this person, this goes so much further from dislike. Be warned before you read on i'm about to release alot of shit...but I just need to let it out, cos I'm just not dealing with things very well.
Ok, so lets go back about of say 8 years ago, I was one very messed up teen, to cut a long story short I got diagnosed with Bipolar depression and there wasn't very much that would make me happy, well in fact there was only one thing that made me happy and he we will be known as T.

Anyway, back to MW, we had met in a theatre group (oh...he could not act to save himself) and this is also where I had met T.
Now apart from T, everyone knew or had suspicion that I had fallen hard for T...T and I had started a friendship, we'd been I guess 'mates' for a lil while.....(from the minute I saw him, I was in love) ...and to have this developing friendship, well I finaly had a reason to wake up, I longed for his phone calls to hear his voice to see his smile...I was in love, but friendship was perfect (even though I wanted so much more)
Well, I remember the day so clearly, I had been in a happy mood, had been shopping with my best friend and had some photos developed, I was so happy that there was one of me and T, I had brought a photo frame of a sunflower and couldn't wait to get home to put the pic in the frame...I just just framed the photo when the phone rang...it was MW, how he got my number I dont know...he was just a guy I knew I dont think I would have even called him a friend...but he was on the phone with something 'very important' he had to tell me...so I listened and as each word rolled of his tounge every little bit of hope, of joy, of happiness was being stripped from me...'T hates you' he sais, 'he hates talking to you' 'he hates seeing you' 'he never wants to hear from you again' 'he never wants to see you again' bang bang bang, shot after shot straight to my heart, I could feel myself falling to the floor, I feel empty, I have nothing to say...I hang up the phone...smash, I throw the photo frame and at this moment I have no reason to live....now...I know there has been more than one person who has said that they wanted to kill themselves...fuck, to get to the point of thinking of doing it bad enough...but at that very minute after hearing those words, I HAD NO HESITATION...there was no second thought, I grabbed a pair of scissors and I was aiming for the wrist...all I can say is thank God for my best friend being there, as she was one step behind me and was wrestling with me on the floor to get the scissors out of my hand...she ended up punching me in the mouth, and held me down for about a hour before I had cried myself to sleep. If she hadn't been there, if she had left before I had got that phone call I would be dead now, I know that after that phone call in that moment, I had no second thought about ending my life.
T kept calling though (funny how he hated me but was calling) and again to cut the story slightly shorter (cos theres still alot to go) about 3 month later T and I were a official couple. I dared to face my fear...that he had once said that he hated me...I asked him, saying that it was in the past I just need to know....he swore black and blue, crossed his heart... everything, that he had never uttered those words....MW HAD LIED...now how the fuck those someone do that, make up a complete lie and call someone they bearly know to tell them that lie....because of his lie...I could have been dead.
Anyway much to my disgust MW is still around...I ocasionaly see him at like parties and stuff like that...and over the past 7 years I have made it very fucking clear...I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!!!! There was not even a friendship to even salvage...but even if there was, I could not forgive him...how can you forgive someone who almost cost your life...especially when it was no accident....he deliberatly had made that call to tell me a lie, the lie was the only thing he had said in the phone call....I just want nothing to do with him. It makes me sick enough to see him....but you see once a fuck head always a fuck head...there are other stories of what he has done to others, but personaly he has done enough to me to make me HATE.
Anyway, so tonight...my boy (yes its still T (almost 6 years) ) had a gig....and MW was there, bad enough, but he kept trying to join group conversations I was in and just wouldn't keep his distance, after the gig, we headed to a house warming party...argggghhhh, he was there too...he was leaving and he just had to....'bye Laura' he says....for fuck sake! For the past & years I have told this guy to fuck off...and it had been about 3 years since I had last said it to him, but I was sooooo angry, I had to say it again 'FUCK OFF' but you you think dickhead gets the point...no he keeps going 'ha, thats the most I have gotten out of you in about 3 years' now i'm fuming now 'FUUCCCKKKKK OFFFF' I say it again, everyone at this party can hear this....'you have to get over the past' he says (i'm sorry, but I cant just forget that his actions nearly cost my life) 'FUUUCCCCKKKKKKKKK OFFFFFFFF' now the last words that this bastard just said is to get over the past then do you want to know the next thing that comes out of his mouth 'I HOPE THAT CANCER STRIKES YOU LIKE LIGHTENING' I swear to God that MW IS SATAN....little does he know nor anyone else in that party bar my boy is that this Tuesday I am going to see the Doctor to get results on if I have cancer....and I'm already shitting myself, cos I had two lots of tests done and only one of the results had come through and I had a call from my the clinic or whatever the doctors office that the doctor wanted me to come in to 'discuss my results' the 2nd lot of results havent even come in yet....do you think that to be a good sign....I dont..........FUCK I HATE>>>HATE>>>>HAAAATTTTTTTEEEEEEE MW!!!!!!!!! I cant deal with this shit.

yo-yo

arggggggghhhhhhhh...i'm getting really pissed off with myself...I know how it works...eat well, eat healthy, exercise....you will have a healthy happy body...eat shit, binge, starve...unhealthy....why when I know this do I continually go back to the wrong choice....its not like I dont know, I am educated about it all....I have even had results...so confirmed, option one works.....wake up Laura...you alone are fucking yourself up!!!